Support Center

Get help with products that may or may not work as advertised

How Can We Help?

Choose your adventure in frustration

Product Documentation

Manuals written by people who have never used our products. Guaranteed to be confusing.

Installation Guides

Step-by-step instructions that assume you have a PhD in engineering and unlimited patience.

Troubleshooting

Common problems and solutions that work approximately 30% of the time.

Returns & Refunds

Our surprisingly generous refund policy for when you inevitably want your money back.

Technical Support

Talk to our support team, trained to be as unhelpful as possible while technically answering questions.

Community Forum

Connect with other customers who are equally confused about our products.

Frequently Asked Questions

The questions everyone asks and the answers nobody wants to hear

Do your products actually work?

That depends on your definition of "work." Our products successfully transfer money from your account to ours, which we consider a 100% success rate.

Why are your products so expensive?

You're not just buying a product, you're buying the experience of owning something with a confusing name and questionable functionality. That's premium pricing.

How long does shipping take?

Anywhere from 3-30 business days, depending on cosmic alignment, shipping delays, and whether our warehouse staff feels like working that day.

Can I return a product if I don't like it?

Yes! We have a generous 30-day return policy because we expect most customers to regret their purchase within that timeframe.

Do you offer technical support?

Our support team is standing by to redirect your questions, suggest you read the manual, and ultimately tell you to "try turning it off and on again."